Everyday is a winding road

Normal is far from what I’d describe my life as, ever. In recent weeks, I even told someone; ” I wouldn’t wish my life on you, trust me!” How dramatic of me! Well it is, what it is I guess. I can be the most optimistic person in the world, to a fault even, however events over the last year have made me pessimistic, or even worse – a realist! True story. I had started this particular blog submission about 2 weeks ago when everything was starting to fall apart. The practical me was trying to figure things out. My grandmother was in the hospital, begging daily to go home as though I had control over that, which wasn’t even an option. The rational Oma, from months ago would understand. But the grandmother I had loved unconditionally all my life, was relentless, every day. The hour I allotted to go visit with her, everyday, diminished to a mere 20 minutes to half an hour due to her badgering, even guilting me – well trying to, by saying some real hurtful things.
She thought her roommate, who slept 23 hours a day was a spy- which was just one example out of dozens of odd things she had concocted, and worst of all said it like she believed it!
it was evident the kidney failure had also started to dissolve her mind. It was at point where even if she managed to build up her strength to return home, I was now concerned for her mental state. Something was missing.
My grandmothers passing was inevitable, but sooner than expected. There’s never a good way, or time for a loved one to pass away. I remember her for so much more than just how that last several months had started to unravel. Since I was her only caregiver, practically her only relative, I realize after the fact she probably had been declining health wise for a lot longer, but because I was with her everyday I didn’t notice it – a blind optimist. No, it wasn’t denial, because the pessimist in me always sees the rainbow after the storm. But it’s the inner Realist that had kept me stable my whole life in knowing, people don’t live forever, it sucks, but it’s true. So now I’m here, in the next chapter of my life, my grandmother who was my mother, and my friend has departed this world – I do feel like I am truly on my own, but also free to some extent. Life goes on.